Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Outcome

This week has started a new chapter for myself and Cannon. I went back to school full time, and Cannon will be starting day care due to that. I am very sad, but also very appreciative. I have been lucky to be able to spend his first year enjoying every moment, cry, smile, giggle, milestone, and kiss. Besides working a part time job, and a few online classes, Cannon has had all of my attention this past year. Many mommies do not get that opportunity, and I am SO thankful. But on the contrary, it also makes dropping him off at day care even harder. I wish I was able to just stay at home with him every single day, but that is just not a reality for me. I have to finish school, succeed, and be able to provide and support him. I don't want him to have a mom that gave up. So although this week has been hard, and I have felt like I was going to have anxiety attacks during class worrying about him, I have to look at the outcome.
Lately I have been focusing on the "right now moment"..which in some cases is the way that you should look at situations. To live in the now and not worry about what tomorrow brings. But I have come to realize that focusing in the now is actually very.. well depressing (for my situation). I have to focus on the future and the outcome of everything I am doing and where it will have me in a couple of years. Returning to school the other day did nothing but put me in a depressed mood. While walking aroud I felt very out of place. I felt as if no one was in my shoes. I felt as if no one had the lifestyle as me. I felt as if I knew no one and like I had no social life. I felt like I was just in a different place in my life compared to everyone else. Most people walking around either lived on or right off campus, and was worried about what party would be happeneing this weekend and where they are going for thirsty Thursday. Me on the other hand, just wanted to finish my classes and get to my baby. You cannot imagine how hard this was for me. I am having to accept that I am not the typical 21 year old anymore and that I have had to sacrifice everything for my son. I do not live that carefree, careless, lifestyle that most are in college. I have a job, priorities, and a goal that HAS to be reached now because I have another life that depends on me. 
I also have found myself being very bitter. Bitter towards people my age. Bitter towards not getting invites to things. Bitter when I can't make it to something I'm actually invited too. Bitter towards Cannons father. Just bitter. I have come to realize my bitterness is the result of my own jealousy. Jealous that I am not that 21 year old anymore. Jealous that I can't just drop everything and go out. Jealous that Cannons father did not have to make the sacrifices like I have, and that he didn't choose to make those sacrifices either. I hold the weight of Cannon and with that it effects every aspect of my lifestyle now. Although, I don't even want to live that "21 year old, college" lifestyle, it's the fact that I didn't have a choice which brings my frustration. 
But today I had a big slap across the face, and I have decided that I am not going to be bitter anymore. It has sucked all the life out of me lately. It is not a enjoyable way to live your life. I shouldn't ever be bitter, because I have the most precious blue eyed baby bouncing on the sofa next to me and hitting the computer making me have to backspace this whole blog. My luck, he actually has been sick this week with a 100+ fever... So on top of full time school schedule and work at 5am most mornings, I have had a restless cuddly baby radiating heat from his body for three days now. But during one of those restless nights he squirmed his way up onto my pillow, turned his nose to where it was touching mine and then put his arm around my neck. I melted. That moment I realized how truly blessed I am and how I could not live my life being bitter. I will never forget this moment with him. That moment made all the hard work and exhaustion worth it. It made all the sacrifices worth it. 

As hard as it gets, I cannot change the situation I am in and this too shall pass. I live a far more rewarding life that anyone else on Western Carolina's campus, and I could guarantee that. I have also realized that others will have to answer one day to their decisions. It's not my place to try to convince them of their wrongdoings and what they're missing out on, God can show them one day. God sacrificed it all for me, and now I'm sacrificing it all for one of Gods children whom I also call my son, Cannon. I know I will be rewarded for this someday.
So for right now, I am going to focus on the outcome. Which I feel like many people are in the same shoes as me. Feeling as if they are stuck in the same ole, same ole. They can't see what or why the particular situation that they are in currently will ever help them one day. Their situations aren't fair. They can't see a happy ending. I'm there. As much as I want to give up, I can't. I am now going to focus on my future and focus on what will be. So today I am going to challenge myself, and others that find themselves in situations where they can't see the end result, to focus on the fact that there IS an end result. Have hope in tomorrow and in your future. All of your hard work will pay off one day. There will be a plan, there is a reason for everything, and there is an outcome for everyone. 
 FTRRft berrrrg4v r4 4retrytr  vg <-- baby Cannon's motivation for you all
Verse for today's post. 
JOHN 13:7 "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

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